Sunday, June 21, 2009

I got Greedy

Yesterday I experienced the worst flare-up and all-over body pain I've had in...3-4 years, or as long as I can remember. I was so frustrated all morning. I felt like a loser laying in bed, missing my brick workout with the LA Tri Club... ugghhhhh I was feeling worse and worse about my race, was wondering how I got into such a bad situation with the level of pain I was feeling. I was shocked more than anything, because it was so unexpected that i would be in this much pain. a bit fatigued, a bit sore, i get it, but this time...I was devastated.

The most disturbing thing about it was that the pain levels took me all the way back to 3-4 years ago, when I was mostly in pain and was depressed frequently. Fear sunk I going back to those days? What have I done wrong????? I was scared.

I could not get up all morning, pretty much until 1-2pm. I really wanted to have some fresh fruit but had to laugh at the fact that I couldn't get downstairs to the kitchen... :) Finally, I dragged myself out of bed and into the bath tub, where I had an epsom salt bath. I felt slightly better.

Then I got a phone call from my friend Shirley, and her words woke me up. She reminded me how far I've actually come, not how much of a loser I am for having been injured all season and am now laying flat on my bed incapable of functioning. My talk with her reminded me how I used to struggle trying to ride 3o miles, swim 1500 meters, and how i used to just train slowly and at my own pace...just to finish. I got competitive over the months, which I would say is natural, but i really forgot where I started. I used to just want to finish a race, and it didn't matter how little I was able to train or how unprepared I was. I still managed to find the joy in racing and finishing, no matter how long it took me. It turns out, I got greedy. and my body was paying for it.

I did a 60 mile bike ride 2 weeks ago. I consider 2000 meters of swimming "not enough" now - i mean, this is a huge leap compared to where I was last year. I forgot how to be grateful for the progress i've made. instead I kept pushing for more, never feeling like anything was enough, anxious to do everything and more... which not only pushed me physically but also mentally stressed me out on top of an already stressful work life. There was my answer to this explosive flareup - a bit too much, cuz Minnie got greedy.

Yesterday's incident humbled me. It started with making me angry and frustrated, but I realized that I was forgetting why I was doing this. This is not about me, my glory or my ego...i need to go back to where I started and go by this process with humility and gratitude.

I'm so grateful for this weekend - it woke me up. With 6 weeks to go, I can start again with a new attitude.

Blessings to you all - you are all my motivation for this. I promise not to forget.

1 comment:

Pam said...

I'm glad you got through your flare-up enough to reflect on it. That's pretty quick. It can take days for me to snap out of that. You continue to be a great inspiration for me (and everyone else, I'm sure). Keep it up!