Today it hit me - ok, what a lame answer.
Training or not, I'm still living with fibro and living darn well. The problem is, that my ankle has still been in severe pain.
The update since my last entry in November is that...basically, as I increased my minutes running, after 14 minutes run/1-2 walk intervals, my ankles started burning up again. I could not sleep all night at times. I thought my ankles caught on fire. I massaged them, did strengthening workouts as prescribed, I rested them, I did gradual exercise buildup, I did and tried everything... but I was in such excruciating pain that I couldn't stay lying down or sitting for more than 20 minutes' time. So it was concluded that it can't be just some exercise-related injury. Something else is going on.
So I haven't ran since...early January. I went on the eliptical. That has been ok. Still some pain, but a lot less - and I have prescription strength ibuprofen for my bad days.
The lack of training and the absence of any future racing plans made me feel like I shouldn't exist as the writer of this blog. I stopped writing. I felt rather ashamed.
But as the owner of this blog, I realized today that I had to continue writing. And today, I am writing about not having been able to train and therefore not even daring to be able to plan on a race. However, I do not feel so ashamed - anymore. I feel rather at peace, because I am starting to think that this is part of the process. Ups and downs, good days and bad days - a season to race, a season to rest. I titled this as Uninspiring, but I was being sarcastic - I hope that my lack of inspiration is somewhat inspiring - because I have accepted my present reality of just...waiting for the tides to come back. Every day, I am just thankful that it hurts less than before. I get on the eliptical and hit the hill profile for 30 minutes. I do some strengthening exercises and walk to and from work. I do what I can. I hope and pray that I can race one day. I still dream, but I'm praying harder. I do what I can.
What I am most thankful about this process is that through my pain and limitations I am learning about some of you that are not able to be as active as you'd like right now, and how you might be feeling. I can understand the frustration a little better, and I can empathize when you feel like giving up, because it's just been so darn long. But please, let's not give up. We do what we can now, and I know that soon we will be ready to move again when our hearts are really ready in the midst of peace, with more gratitude, more excitement and yet with more humility.
This ankle issue started February of last year - this kind of strong, persistent pain is a first in my life. But i know for some of you, this kind of debilitating and persistent pain is what you're familiar with. I was starting to get really tired of it. I was starting to just get cranky about it - then finally today, I was able to think about those I couldn't understand before because I had never experienced it. Now I do. And that makes me grateful, because I only pray that I can start writing on behalf of those who are still struggling to overcome the pain. So I plan on overcoming the pain together, with you. I have a higher focus. And I am grateful for it.